Sunday, January 29, 2012

Be a coward or make some changes?

I like to speak my mind

I am not afraid to go against the grain and do the ‘right’ thing.

I don’t care what the crowd is doing,

I like to do my own thing.

Biggest pet peeve?



I believe if someone is too scared that they will be disliked if they stand up for what they believe…or stick up for a person who is wronged in someway…

….they are cowardly.

Yes, I have said what I believe is true and gotten shunned and basically sh*t on. I was told to ‘stop causing drama and get along with people.’

I spend 160 hours out of my month surrounded by mistreatment, discrimination and hatred. People flat out hate each other. Their best friends are their worst enemies in disguise. I see good people break down and turn into different souls.

New people have a spark of excitement in their eyes…

which quickly fade into eyes of disgust and defeat.

They (actually we) are basically cattle. Herded to our ‘work station’ and told everything we do is wrong. One supervisor will tell you to go left…and the next one tells you to go right (and writes you up for going left)

We are told to be the “old” (fill in your name here) We are told to go back to being the nice person we were when we started.

We are told to act professional one second, right after that person gets done making a sexual joke that was the opposite of professional.

I could go out and look for another job but what holds me back is fear.

And plenty of it.

My ‘what ifs’ are holding me back. I refuse to take any responsibility for the ridiculousness of some people here…but it is my fault for staying and continuing to endure it.

But I shouldn’t have to leave to find a job where I am not mistreated! Why am I the one who has to leave??!!

Because no one else will speak up…if everyone keeps their grips and issues to themselves or their closest buddy here, nothing will ever change.

Next question….

Is it even WORTH changing?

I don’t plan on working here forever. It is not my career choice, just my current job until my next calling comes at me. I just feel as though I cannot wait for my calling to ‘come at me’. I love change and boy do I ever need it!

I am a good person. I speak the truth. I am as loyal as they come. I am a good listener. I am honest. I admit when I am wrong. I don’t stand down to anyone. I defend the defenseless and I have empathy, sympathy and compassion. And I still am working everyday to be an even better person than I was yesterday.

But here…I need to either dump them or join them because they bring out a baaaaaad side of me. The side I feel guilty for having but I think we all have a ‘darker’ side… Darth Vader did.

I like my good side much better. So do other people.

I know my life won’t change unless I put the effort in to change it so what the heck am I waiting for? If you don’t like the circumstances you are in at any given time, it is your God-given right to take control and decide what you want to do differently.

I have some soul-searching to do.


Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dream Chaser

After reading an awesome post by one of my favorite blog-ettes, I got a sudden inspiration to write about my dreams and aspirations. For myself, my list is ever-changing. Quite frankly, I have NO idea what I want to do when I grow up.

I have always loved writing. I definitely would love, love, love to devote more time to my blog…all I have to do is PUT THE EFFORT IN!!!

I love being a mama and I would love to have more children…but I don’t truly see myself as ever becoming a full-time, stay at home mom. As of right now (since I am not fully in love with my job) I would LOVE to stay home. I know for me, my career that I will one day totally love, will never feel like work. I would also love to have a job I can do from home (at least a part time job)

I love running. I have always wanted to be a runner. One mile, 5k, 10k, half-marathon and maybe one day a full marathon….I want to start and conquer each of those to prove to myself that I CAN DO ANYTHING!!! And honestly, what better way to train, get fit and stay motivated than the opportunity to get a medal?

I love taking care of people and I love the medical field. I wanted to become an E.M.T. ever since I was eight years old. I got my certification in 2004 and now I am a dispatcher for one of the busiest, biggest ambulance companies in the area. I love what I do there…I love helping people when there are lives on the line and I like having great customer service. Not to honk my own horn but I know I am damn good at what I do there too.

But it is not my calling. And I have hit the ‘glass ceiling’ and there is no chance of moving on up and advancing there. And I want MORE!

I started back at college in the spring of 2011 and have been working on my pre-requisites for Nursing School. For a long time, I believed nursing was my calling…and I still do. The only thing holding me back is the fact that during my first semester after taking Psychology and Human Development, I fell in love with both of them! Is it possible to get 4 degrees and not be 50 years old by the time I get them all?

Now, I have NO IDEA what I would do with a psych or human development degree… counseling? Life coaching? Assistance Program Director?

I love the idea of owning my own business…especially one that would help people. Whether it be a baby/toddler daycare or personal grocery shopping/errand runner, I love the idea of OWNING MY OWN COMPANY.

I love all things health and fitness too. Even though I am at my ‘before’ right now and I am not fit or healthy, I know I will get there very soon. Once I am there, I would love nothing more than to help other women with health coaching and training. I have contemplated getting my fitness training certification as well as possibly obtaining my Registered Dietician degree.

I would love to do a million things. I have a ton of interests and wannabe hobbies that I do not make time for. I want to be able to show my kids to follow their dreams and do what they love with PASSION.

Sometimes, I shy away from sharing all of my dreams and hobbies. I respect people who can just put it all out there!

I just need to kick myself in the a$$ and GET TO IT!!!





Monday, January 16, 2012

The Start of My Love Story

April 17th, 2010…

I hear from a good friend that she wants to set me up with her friend, The Officer.

April 18th, 2010…

I get a message on Facebook from the Officer. Followed by a friend request and whole bunch of text messages.

April 21st, 2010…

My first conversation with the Officer which lasted for over four hours. It was one of those conversations you have with your phone charger chaining you to the wall but you don’t mind because you are having a great time talking.

April 23rd, 2010…

I worked, got my hair trimmed and blown out, put on my cute new outfit and took a chance with a blind date.

I greeted him with a nervous hug when he walked up to my door…and he told me I was prettier in person than online and made my heart melt with excitement.

We had dinner at Olive Garden and literally shutdown the place. The tired waiters were vacuuming around our table and loudly clinking the glasses together as a modest “get the f*ck out of here you two!!!” hint.

We drove around until 1230am that night…he dropped me off at my car and sent me a smiley-faced winky text message before he even pulled out of my apartment complexes driveway.

April 25th, 2010…

He was bummed out because he had to give away his dog so I cheered him up with homemade cookies (I didn’t make them…but I guess he thought I did) and I started to realize I was falling for him.

April 26th, 2010…

We took our first official picture together and hung out on my couch watching dumb re-runs…being next to him felt comforting yet awkward since it was so new…I knew that night that I was in love with him and I have never felt so content with a new relationship before…I just felt that it was right.

April 30th, 2010…

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

May 1st, 2010…

He told me he loved me.


So that was the start to my love story. I took a chance on a blind date set up because it felt right and I had a ‘sign’ As cheesy as my ‘sign’ was, I believed in it and to this day, I wasn’t wrong about.

My friend called me while I was in my car on my way to another friend’s house to hang out. I told myself I wasn’t going to be set up again after being set up horribly two other times. On my way home, I couldn’t get my mind off this set up and I asked for a sign. A few minutes later, I rounded a curve in the road and came across two police cruisers with their lights swirling brightly in the night, pulled over on the side of the road. I was in the middle of nowhere with no other traffic but myself…when I saw those lights flashing, I decided that was my ‘sign’


See, told you it sounds cheesy.

I met the love of my life.

I love him more than he will ever understand.

He is the most amazing man.

We are coming up on our 2-year anniversary and I am making a vow to myself to be the best girlfriend I can be. I want to be his support, compassion, cheerleader, best friend and most trusted side-kick. He deserves the best and I vow to take care of him forever. <3





Sunday, January 15, 2012

In a Rut

My job is to take care of my family and myself. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I know I need to put myself first and I really need to learn how to communicate…especailly with the Officer. He cares for me with all of his heart and is concerned when I shut-down and cry. When he asks what is wrong, I respond with “nothing”. I know it hurts him that I don’t tell him the reason I am so down on myself…I would be crushed if something was bothering him and he refused to tell me what was going on. And it is not him at all…it is all me with the communication complex.
Truth is, I have never been talkative and open about my weight. Whether it is at an all-time high or all-time low, it always feels awkward and uncomfortable to even THINK about talking about it with someone else, no matter who they are. I live my days in fear that someone will mention my weight gain or high weight in general. I nit-pick every comment that is made to me and determine if it was weight-related and referenced to me. I remember feeling this way in high school and middle school and it is p.a.r.a.l.y.z.i.n.g.
I waste so much time and energy worrying about the embarrassment and shame of my weight gain and I am exhausted by it. It is so life-consuming that I have been unable to start up and fully commit to any sort of plan to take over my health. Instead, I fail…make excuses…use “I’ll start tomorrow”s…and ultimately quit my plan before it gets off the ground.
I feel like this has caused me to give up on life as well. I don’t play with my beautiful children, we don’t do activites…hell, most days I don’t even leave the house. I am terrified of seeing someone I know…seeing that look on their face of, “What the f*ck did she do to herself??!!”
I go to work,
take the kids to school,
pick the kids up from school,
grocery shop.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I got out of the house for any reason besides the ones I just mentioned. Instead of living my life, I sit and watch endless hours of T.V., check Facebook a million times and spend hours of non-productive blog stalking. I may try and pawn it off as “taking it easy and relaxing on my day off” but in reality…I do it because I have no energy to do anything else.
No wonder why I’m bummed out and in a rut.
All I want to just BUST out of this funk I am in. It is affecting everyone I love and everyone around me. The Officer and my babies deserve a HAPPY, FUN lady/mama of the house! I deserve to be happy for myself! I deserve to achieve my weight loss goals and my life goals as well!!!
How can I light a fire under my own ass?

It’s up to me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

From Stagnant to Sizzling

Well 11 days into 2012 and so far the consensus for this new year is that 2012 is going to be hoppin'! Honestly, I could not be any happier to hear that because I need it. 2011 was good, don’t get me wrong. My kids are healthy and doing great in kindergarten…my boyfriend is wonderful and amazing, we have jobs and a great home…and I am grateful.

I want more! As selfish as that may sound since I know I have much more than others do…that does not mean I need to be content with my life if I am not 120% happy with it. The things I want to change are mainly with myself because I know once I am happier, everything else will fall into place. If I feel better about myself, my confidence goes up, I am more awesome to be around and that means I won’t chase my kids and boyfriend away.

One of my best presents ((ever!!)) was my Kindle Fire (which I play Angry Birds on 89% of the time)


and I am head-over-heels in love…

I am about half way through “This Year I Will…” and it is a WONDERFUL book!



The chapter that really stuck with me and caught my eye was all about picking just one or two really important things you want to work on…not just a bunch of things that will end up scattering your focus and eventually leading to failure. I’m sure I am not the only person who can make a list of a half million things you want to work on. And I never end up sticking to it…any of it.

I figured I would give it a whirl and just stick with the two most important changes I would love to make to improve my life….

My Heath & Fitness



My Home Organization


I know when I bust my a$$ and shape up, I will be so-so-so much happier with myself, more confident, energetic and unstoppable. The “guilt of the unhealthy” is so life-consuming, some days it is all I think about. From the too-tight jeans and uncomfortable muffin top to the constant desire for a nap, I am done feeling like sh*t. I have wasted a majority of my past 26 years feeling like this…why on Earth would I allow it to continue???

My obsessive desire to organize the crap out of my house. I want to need something and go to the exact spot where it is. I hate the unnecessary stress of not being able to find something (literally just happened today)


(yeah, that is supposed to be my desk. no wonder I am so productive, right?)

I have an enormous amount of school work and artwork from my kiddos that is priceless to me and I have a plan for it. I just haven’t taken any incentive for handling it. I cringe in disgust anytime I passed that desk of mine. It is embarrassing!

What is worse is my kitchen




Ick, Ick, Ick.

Dear Kitchen, You and I will change each other’s lives tomorrow. <3 me

Once I conquer these changes, I will pick something else to work on. I know my health and fitness will be constantly evolving and will need life long, consistent work but will get easier once some good habits replace bad habits.

(One bad habit I have stayed away from since the New Year is fast food…go me!)

Some good habits I am bringing back are…


Smoothie Luv <3


Yoga Luv <3

plus…it’s almost time for a lil Fitnessista Winter Shape-Up 2012!
Talk about perfect timing!


I definitely know I can do it and I know what to do so I have no excuses.


and frankly…


To Do:

*Make Inspiration/Vision Board

*Determine how easy repainting the pantry would be…lol

*Reorganize desk and kitchen cabinets

*Go for a walk and do some yoga


Here’s to kickin some @$$ Smile