Sunday, January 15, 2012

In a Rut

My job is to take care of my family and myself. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I know I need to put myself first and I really need to learn how to communicate…especailly with the Officer. He cares for me with all of his heart and is concerned when I shut-down and cry. When he asks what is wrong, I respond with “nothing”. I know it hurts him that I don’t tell him the reason I am so down on myself…I would be crushed if something was bothering him and he refused to tell me what was going on. And it is not him at all…it is all me with the communication complex.
Truth is, I have never been talkative and open about my weight. Whether it is at an all-time high or all-time low, it always feels awkward and uncomfortable to even THINK about talking about it with someone else, no matter who they are. I live my days in fear that someone will mention my weight gain or high weight in general. I nit-pick every comment that is made to me and determine if it was weight-related and referenced to me. I remember feeling this way in high school and middle school and it is p.a.r.a.l.y.z.i.n.g.
I waste so much time and energy worrying about the embarrassment and shame of my weight gain and I am exhausted by it. It is so life-consuming that I have been unable to start up and fully commit to any sort of plan to take over my health. Instead, I fail…make excuses…use “I’ll start tomorrow”s…and ultimately quit my plan before it gets off the ground.
I feel like this has caused me to give up on life as well. I don’t play with my beautiful children, we don’t do activites…hell, most days I don’t even leave the house. I am terrified of seeing someone I know…seeing that look on their face of, “What the f*ck did she do to herself??!!”
I go to work,
take the kids to school,
pick the kids up from school,
grocery shop.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I got out of the house for any reason besides the ones I just mentioned. Instead of living my life, I sit and watch endless hours of T.V., check Facebook a million times and spend hours of non-productive blog stalking. I may try and pawn it off as “taking it easy and relaxing on my day off” but in reality…I do it because I have no energy to do anything else.
No wonder why I’m bummed out and in a rut.
All I want to just BUST out of this funk I am in. It is affecting everyone I love and everyone around me. The Officer and my babies deserve a HAPPY, FUN lady/mama of the house! I deserve to be happy for myself! I deserve to achieve my weight loss goals and my life goals as well!!!
How can I light a fire under my own ass?

It’s up to me.

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